me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Not today
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful