Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)