As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
We decided to have money instead of children.
When someone says you are so lazy