Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“i miss shittin on people”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.