On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry