This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Yup!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill