Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.