“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.