getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it