Doing math together is known as fourplay.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Saturday
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
What an awful time to have common sense.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.