My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
You Might Also Like
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!