Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.