Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.