All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I wanna be friends with this person
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.