Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Sending in my taxes
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.