When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I need to update my racial profile.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!