I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed