This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.