Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag