*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.