Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.