Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*Seductively hides in the woods
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”