The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.