sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.