To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10