i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
#Caturday
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.