Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.