Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.