The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Every work call, he judges.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
#dalle2
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Hit me in the face with a bird
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has