Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???