Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.