My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I like it thick and deep
Pizza