Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???