I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Good advice.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?