**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs