Milk Cube
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
For the orator and chef in all of us
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers