I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in