What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?