[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!