Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir