me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him