Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.