My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*