My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
😂😂😂
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it