Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.