I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.