Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
🤣🤣💀
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.