I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
😂😂