If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I wanna be friends with this person
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.