If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
BRO LMFAO
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.